It's not you, it's me

A famous breakup line used on George Costanza (Jason Alexander) in one of the Seinfeld episodes entitled "Lip Reader" is "It's not you, it's me." His date, Marlene uses it on George and that leaves him quite annoyed as that is "his" line. Sorry, George but I have to steal it also as I have found another situation in which to use it and that is in Liam's obedience class. After 4 sessions, I am starting to arrive at the conclusion that I must communicate to Liam "it's not you, it's me."
The Basic Canine Obedience Training involves verbal cues, hand signals and body movements all at the same time. I cannot seem to put them all together. The simplest commands "sit," "come," " leave it, " involve body movements, hand gestures, clucking of the tongue, offering of treats and verbal praise all in one motion. Doing all these motions at once seems to be beyond my capabilities. My feeble attempts have left poor Liam sitting when he should be coming, laying down when he should be sitting or just staring at me with an expression of confusion and pity from the top of the stairs being able to put many motions together is what makes Derek Jeter a great shortstop-he can think, move and communicate at the same time. Or think of Tiger Woods looking, assessing, processing and swinging while being watched and cheered by hundreds. These icons possess hand eye coordination of a sort that is way above what I can produce. I am now convinced that Basic Canine Obedience Training requires the same skill set as a Star Shortstop, A Golf Master, or an accomplished Dancer

Lesson #4 from Basic Canine Obedience Class

SIT STAY-Hold lead and treat in left hand up along side dog's right ear (make sure the dog has slack). Give stay hand signal with right hand (hand held flat, palm up facing dog, fingers pointed to the ground). Say "STAY", put food in right hand, leave on right foot, go arms distance away. Hold treat out at the dog's head level. Gradually increase time, give food and praise.

THE SALSA-Ballroom Dance comparison
Salsa steps: The salsa starts with tap left on the first beat, a step forward on the same foot, a rock back onto the right foot. And the sequence is finished by stepping back left to close.

THE SALSA seems much easier than SITSTAY. There are no treats to transfer. And no verbal praise to remember. No barking.

I keep trying, with no success.

Albert Einstein is quoted as saying "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Liam, It's not you, it's me

Woof, Woof

Lost and Found

I lose items just like everyone does. The thing is though, that very rarely have I lost anything for good. I go back looking where I think I might have left the item and the item is there. Or someone is looking for me so he/she can return the item, or the"lost" item has been put away for my eventual return- that would be in the case of places I frequent often. I am telling this story this week as I have had several losses and returns over the last week. Liam seems to lose things also; in his case, he might actually deliberately lose his item in order to experience the joy of finding it again. We thought we had seen the last of his muddy tennis ball but recently he came running in from the outside with it and happily plopped it down, all slimy, moldy and mildewed. I do understand Liam's leaping elation upon unearthing his treasures from the yard from under the couch from in between the seat cushions When I recover a "lost" item, all the feelings of terror, desperation, fright, sadness, and self loathing vanish and I feel wonderful. A cheap thrill. Am I addicted to that "high" of the reunion with my lost item? I worry a bit that revelations of how often I leave/lose things will tarnish my stellar reputation of having a good memory. I already am prepared with the explanation: I have too much going on in my brain and am always thinking of what's next, not what has happened. I also get more focused on whom I am with, not what is with me. Sound like good reasons. Hm mm. Maybe some blarney there, but all makes for a good story. Below are some lost/found items and their stories. Judge for yourself what might be at work here.

Handbag losses and returns- 100 %.
1-Left in the Fresh Meadows Movie Theater, returned several hours later, bag was in the seat.
2- Left in the cafeteria at work, picked up and returned by a fellow manager friend.
3- Left at the Hudson River overlook, see it by the column in Hyde Park at the CIA (Culinary Institute), several people came after me, and a family guarded it until I made my way back to it They said by its weight they knew it would have been a grievous loss. And this past weekend, 4-left in pizzeria -still there when we returned. This one was eerie though, as I had just announced to Paul that my next blog story for LiamLicks was how I never really lose anything. He said "good, you have your story." I remember thinking as we entered the restaurant that I should leave my bag in the car. Wait, I'll treat, need the bag. When Paul took out his wallet, I put mine away. And why did I not remember I was carrying a bag? Easy. I picked up the garbage to discard, if I have something in my hand it displaces all memory of what I carried in, I now have something in my hand, so garbage=handbag. Well we arrived home, I scream "Where is my bag?" Paul really thought I was kidding; like I was purposefully doing a dry run for my LiamLicks story. We zoomed back- there it was in the seat next to where we had been sitting.

Average time apart for each loss= one half hour to several hours.

Wallet- returns 100%

1-Library- Only knew it was at the library when they left repeated messages to call them. I only called when they finally left a message as to why they were calling.

time apart=4 days

2-This wallet loss occurred during Christmas week in the early part of this century. I had a brown wallet I like the color brown. The week between Christmas and New Year's-was, as usual, a busy week of visiting friends and exchanging gifts. I was going to work also, doing my socializing at night. I was at work Thursday, and realized my wallet was not in my bag. At break I walked over to the garage thinking it had popped out there. Nothing. So when did I last have it? How many places had I been that week? And in it were credit cards, health insurance cards, membership cards and the worst, my license. Ugg, this was bad. The following day, Friday, I retraced my steps; back to Whole Foods in Manhasset, Bed Bath and Beyond, nothing. Not in the car either. Why didn't I cancel my credit cards and start the driver's license replacement process? I never really lose anything permanently and the amount of work to replace the items would be tortuous. Nevertheless, this was a dangerous chance as I was already in Day 2 of its loss and possibly more. I set a deadline for Saturday for the arduous task of canceling the cards, replacing my license, etc. Paul and I were both off that day, Friday-a snow storm was expected later in the day and we were getting errands done separately. Paul arrives home from one of his errands and calls to me from downstairs. " I found your wallet, it was on the front lawn." What! How? When? The wallet is brown, we do not have a lawn we have wood chips. They are brown. Wallet was nestled in the wood chips. No passersby would have spotted it. Must have fell out of my handbag onto the lawn, and blended right in. An hour later snow started falling. The wood-chipped lawn was covered with 7 inches of snow by nightfall. My wallet had been discovered just in time.

time apart=at least 3 days

Jewelry- bracelet, necklace, watch as modeled by our Vermont Teddy bear ( name has been lost)

Necklace, gift- a loose clasp had me living dangerously for several year's of wearing. And then it happened. It was gone. I had no memory of the cold tingly feeling of it slipping away, no sound of clunking on the ground; it was just not around my neck anymore. I realized it while walking into King Kullen with my mother, Ruth. We were on our way back from picking her up at the airport and were stopping for supplies, a tradition. I did not mention it as I did not want to start the visit on a negative note. We got our groceries and are walking back to the car, when I see it, Oh, there is my necklace. Yes, in the parking lot, on the ground. Whew! Have I fixed the clasp? No.

Time apart=unknown

Bracelet- worn to Doctor's office. A careless decision as jewelry always interferes with the exam. I had it on upon arrival. I did not when I returned home. I went back. It was turned in. to the front desk.

Time apart=one hour

Watch- a Retirement gift, a really classy watch. I had worn it all year and had it on for my Christmas trip to the city to see the play, Spamalot. I know it was on during intermission, as I checked the time. After the play ended I walked downtown to 34th street/Penn and got the train back to NHP. I glanced at my wrist to check the trains' progress and NO WATCH!!!! Where is my beloved watch?? In the theater, on 8th avenue, at Penn? Oh forget it! it is gone.
The conductor announces my Station, NHP. I gathered my things, leave my seat, and start walking towards the door. My eye catches an object on the floor. My watch. Yay.

Time apart=unknown

Keys- the catalyst for this story is one key in particular that will not stay lost.

It is a house key for the side door. Its key chain was free, a gift from greater Good Animal Rescue site. The clever quote on it is "paws for a cause" I love it as it is "for good." The first loss occurred a few weeks ago and was noticed after I had visited the Post office and CVS. I arrived home and reached for my key, it was not in my pocket. I always have a spare hooked to my bag. Well, that is if I have remembered my bag.
I decide to retrace my steps. Checked inside the Post office-no. I then thought I might have mailed it with the letter I put in the outside mailbox. Do I wait for the mail carrier to come and see if it is co mingled with the letters? Next pickup is in an hour. I decide to return to CVS and try them first. "Did anyone turn in a purple key chain?" "Yes" the clerk holds it up. Nice feeling. A reunion.

Last week, on Monday, I used this same key and chain, went to the gym, made some other stops on the way home. Got home, no key. No key the next day. Wednesday, I again went to the gym. Just on a lark I asked if any key on a purple cloth chain had been returned. The gym staffer had a group of keys waiting for their exercising owners. Many gym folks leave their keys on the counter while doing their routines. I see it!! Yay. But wait, it is just the key chain. The staff member Says. "Not what you were hoping for" The clasp is broken-no key I did my exercise, weights etc . I left and headed to my car. I remembered that on Monday I had parked in the end space, so I went over to it., I looked down and yes, there was my house key, gleaming in the sun I was so happy I went back to show the staff member-he also was incredulous that 2 days later, after much "weather" the key was still there.

Time apart=2 days

As he rests on his dog gazing perch in the peaceful solitude of his living room, Liam wonders and ponders about the preceding stories of loss and offers some observations and questions for our LL readers, from Liam:

Dogs leave their toys, but find them again They are not lost. Maybe Mommy Carol is doing that. Just storing them places.

Maybe she is leaving her stuff all over to leave her mark; we doggies do that.

Maybe she is trying to "be free" "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. "

Maybe she has as "in"with St. Anthony? Patron Saint of finding lost objects.

Is there a difference between leaving something and losing something? I think so.

Conclusion-If you leave something and know where it is then it is not lost. So I think half these stories are not about loss, they are about leaving. Mommy Carol tried to teach me the "leave it" command two week's ago.


I did not learn it. Looks like she did.

"Leave it"

Good Mommy.



Woof, woof

Liam Goes to School

We signed Liam up for 7 training sessions; the course is entitled Basic Canine Behavior Class; all the basics like "wait, leave it, stay, watch me." I am the designated parent to go to the sessions. By rights, Paul should be going, as he needs as much training as Liam. It seems we have been doing very little correctly. Over the 15 months that Liam has been with us, we have gradually eroded any boundary line between human and dog. Liam started in a proper crate. He quickly learned to do his business outside. He did not sit on the furniture, he did not sleep with us, he did not bark for play, he did not jump on people. He was a docile little puppy at 6 months He did always pull on his leash and jump for squirrels; one such leap leaving me with a Van Goghish shiner However, all that changed after a bad day at the groomers during which he was caged for too many hours awaiting his bath. Upon returning home, Liam refused to go back to his beloved crate. We tried, but the howling, crying and battering of the crate walls were heartbreaking. This sad event occurred the last week of June, 2008. That is when Liam started to gain the upper hand. He began sleeping near me in his bed, then joined me then sat on one chair, then on all. He began barking when he wanted to play and we cooperated.
Liam pulls on the leash during his walk and has the power to drag you down when he spies a squirrel. Paul took over the walks and only recently have I learned what goes on during the "Paul and Liam walk." Paul encourages Liam to lead. Liam is allowed to stop whenever and wherever he wants, He is permitted to poop on neighbor's lawns; and those lawns would be in the Oaks, the richest part of NHP. Liam leads the way out of the house and leads the way back into the house. Paul and Liam also have a bowl of popcorn together every Friday after we return from Crabtree's Then as the evening wears on they fall asleep together on the couch I have also been bad. I have allowed Liam to lick the last lap of foam from my lattes let him steal my PJ's and sleep on them have his blanket and his own pillow at my feet while we watch late night TV. As you can surmise we have a tough road ahead.

Week 1-March 26-April 2

Training has hit snags. The treat reward itself seems to distract Liam from the task. We complied with the suggestions of the instructor; got a choke collar, put away the prong collar, got a clothesline for in house obedience and stopped some bad habits such as tug of war, and letting Liam ram into us for fun. The idea of the clothesline (tether) is to pull it when there is unwanted indoor behavior. We were told to soak it in Listerine so that the dog would not chew it off. I did and Liam chewed it off, undeterred by Listerine- he seems to like its jarring odor and antiseptic flavor. An alternate suggestion was to immerse the rope in hot sauce and rub Cayenne pepper on it. Liam wore it for about an hour, while sitting on top of the couch where he is not allowed. Paul hated it as the house smelled like New Orleans BBQ ; and Liam loved it-a bouquet of Mardi Gras of smells. The tether training was a failure . Water guns came back out to stave off his forays at our food during dinner Liam was told that he had a chair and should stay put during the evening

Week 2-April 3- April 9
We have the "wait "command, the "here" command and the "leave it" and "watch" to practice with treats. Liam is already a sausage dog still trying to lose those 3 pounds gained from the surreptitious Ruth McNiff treats during the holidays. Paul insists "no treats" the dog must perform just for the praise; which he actually does most times. Liam is a true LEO; he will take anything he can get.
A problem though; when we say "wait" Liam sits and "gives paw" when we say "here " he rolls over. These are the tricks he has learned and he is not giving them up so easily. They got him treats up to now.

From the handout:
"Do Not Repeat Yourself. Saying sit, sit, sit, sit is merely teaching the dog to disobey you. If the dog is not deaf, he is not responding because he is either confused as to what is expected, distracted, or stubborn, not because he didn't hear you."

Sunday, April 5-I have finished My "watch me" command segment with success and have gone off to another room. I hear a non stop litany of "sit, sit, sit , sit, sit, sit, sit," then "good dog", from Paul to Liam. . Oh no, this is exactly what we are not supposed to do.

Monday, April 6, I did some of the commands with treats. I stopped doing latte licks, licks of coke (that would be coca cola) and sharing dollops of peanut butter. Moreover, we weighed the little sausage dog and all the treats have contributed to his permanent new weight of 33 pounds.

Tuesday, April 7 Liam is only half pulling on leash; a real breakthrough. But at home he attacks two hair squishes and strips them of all sequins and baubles-the "drop it command" is totally ignored. Poop should be very psychedelic and easy to spot in the yard. It is.

Wednesday, April 6, early. I get up at 3 AM. I have severe sleep issues. Restless leg, sleep apnea, night sweats-the whole sleep disorder package. I sneak out to the kitchen and open the fridge door. Liam appears. He knows I am sneaking a snack and he wants in. He also has me trained-if I do not share, he barks to wake Paul. I make a sandwich. Turkey on pumpernickel I do two halves; this way I trick myself into thinking I have two sandwiches- In addition, another bit of blarney thought I have incorporated into my brain is that middle of the night snacking does not count as overeating. . I make the 2 half sandwiches, luscious-turn to put the bread away and Liam leaps 5 feet into the air. swipes both halves with his paws and wolfs them down -yes, both at once. woofy good. Liam is licking his lips, do dogs have lips? Well, he is licking what would be lips if dogs have lips. When Paul gets ready for work, several hours later, I tattle on Liam to Paul, he says "he'll be 35 pounds now."

Thursday, April 9, Lesson three tonight. Paul and I both think Liam has learned some commands; and I think Paul has learned some also. Most important though, who is the pack leader in the McNiff/Nikol household? The three of us all seem to have our moments. Are we a family of equals?

From Basic Obedience Training Guide:
"Dogs are pack animals that live by a social hierarchy. It is imperative for obedience and stability that the dog sees the owners as authority figures. If there is no clear pack leader, the dog will assume the role in order to ensure the integrity of the pack."

We are the pack leaders, I am sure of it.

Liam's version:

My parents, Carol and Paul , have enrolled me in obedience class. Up to now my life has been going along perfectly. I have my own chair I sleep whenever and wherever I want I watch TV I steal clothes and I walk Daddy Paul when we are out; he does not walk me. I bark at my parents when I want them to play with me; they are very obedient. When I want to go out I ring my poochie bells, if Daddy or Mommy do not come right away, I bark until they do. On the weekends I let Daddy Paul sleep a bit later, but by 8:30, I climb on him, lick his face until he gets up and feeds me.
I own the yard I rule the birds and their bath I survey my estate And I can always go next door to Rosie and Shady if things over here get tough

I am the pack leader Woof, woof. Arooooooooooooooooooooooooo