Meltdowns

FRENZIED FEELING

I have a meltdown about once a year. What is a meltdown? The word meltdown has several meanings and applications.
Here are three meanings to the word
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/meltdown
I am talking a personal meltdown. 

The rapid loss of emotional control. Liam helps illustrate.

MELTDOWN

Normally I am polite and patient and thankful. I know it because the way I present myself to the outside world is deliberately consistent. My sister has said "You are the always the same." I am not sure if this is good or bad. Medicating with a daily Cymbalta pill for anxiety and depression keeps me sort of sane and formidably even-tempered. I go with the flow.
Except...in my meltdown state

THE NORMAL...OKAY, WHATEVER

Who is this raving lunatic I keep within me? When and why does she come out? What initiates my losing it? I learned with my latest episode what I am melting down over is not at all what is really bothering me. It is misdirected loss of control in order to avoid acknowledgement of the real issue. An Ahha moment (thanks Oprah) And is this big? Yes. Because this insight may help to offset having future meltdowns. And I would like to, as mine have been public and embarrassing. I fill with shame. Want to put my head down and beg for forgiveness and hide.

POST MELTDOWN, I CANNOT GO FOR MY WALK

I want to do a rewind. I apologize. Write notes. And apologize again. These episodes are as puzzling to me as to my audience.
Occurrences in my ENT office, Best in Show Pet Resort, CVS, library. I have considered moving.
I'll give you two examples.

1-Best In Show Pet Resort  
 September 2016
I am picking up Liam after a destination wedding vacation. He comes shooting out of the back and I ask for his collar and leash. Staff person "We don't keep those items for boarding. You have it" 
What! I don't have it!!!! and here I go from normal to crazed. All his identifying jewelry is on his collar. His rabies tag. License.
I think the collar loss is worse than losing a wallet. They search. Soon the front desk and back of the house staff are all involved. Paul brings a collarless Liam to the car. Returns immediately. The collar and leash are on the back seat. I am nuts with embarrassment. Apologies. Profuse and repeatedly until Paul drags me out. I go home and write a note to the staff. I consider moving.  
What Happened
Since July 13 2016 I had not been well. Recovering from a diverticulitis attack and going about life as usual. It was not life as usual. I was always the same to the world. I even went to Yoga Class doubled over in pain and passed it off as a yoga pose.
I was scheduled for surgery the next week. Been holding it together for 3 months and the meltdown was about my health. Not about the collar.

MELTDOWN

2-Library  
August 2017
At home, on a Sunday night, I check my library online account for holds. I want to see the status of  Al Franken's book on which I have a hold. I see I am in arrears for $.10. What? I always return books on time. Never would I owe. I am not that type of person. Yes, you read correctly...one dime. This throws me into a rant and an angry tirade pops out. Paul tells me forget it for now and suggests next time I am at the library to work it out. No. I insist we go the next morning. And we do. Paul waits in the car. I approach the desk calmly.

I AM NOT GUILTY

I say "There is a problem, I have a late fee, this is not correct. I returned the book on time."
The staffer says, "No, it was returned a day late. Me "No it was not, and I add "I returned it to you." Ooh. Mean girl. You get the gist. I also added in "I would never have a late book." (unsaid, I am perfect) The exchange was tense. I am cringing as I write this. She removes the fee from my account as I will not leave until the terrible debt is expunged from my spotless record.. I leave. I return to the car and tell Paul they were insistent I was wrong. I ask him if he remembers. He doesn't. Then I remember. I was a day late. I go back in. They are huddled...talking about me. I apologize. I offer the dime. I try to get them to take it. I place it on the desk. They push it back. I know they think I have lost it. Yes, I have. I owe Hillside Library a dime.
What Happened 
It was not the book. It was not the dime. I had been dealing with a acquaintance/friendship issue. I had not stood up for myself. I was accepting undeserved abuse. Internally I had been steaming for weeks. I had a meltdown with innocents.
Oh, and if you are reading this, it is not you. The person is not a LiamLicks reader. And it was resolved when I stopped being the victim.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

AWAKENING

PC issues were affecting my blogging. My mobile blogging had been severely curtailed since the mobile app had been obsoleted due to IOS Apple updates and the enmity between Google and Apple preventing any sort of coalescence. I had to write on two devices and trick the app. I was on a reduced scheldue. See the link for the prior blog story

http://liamlicks.blogspot.com/2017_08_13_archive.html

Now upon return from a weekend destination wedding the PC monitor display would not come on. My blogging life was dead. We tried all the online fixes. No success. I bought a new monitor. Same. I bought a new PC. I knew the scope of the problem was beyond our ability to fix. I was calm. But I knew from prior meltdowns the loss of PC function was big for me. It was not okay. I was cut off from my blogger world. Pushing away the panic would result in another meltdown.

I began researching solutions, engaging Paul in my distress. Going to Home Advisor

http://www.homeadvisor.com/ 

reading reviews and hiring a pro.

What Happened

I had learned from my August meltdown to assess, think, and go to what really was causing me emotional distress. Don't push it down. The computer/monitor issue and the blogging app problem were tangibles. Fixable. The emotional part was fear of being forgotten. Losing my audience. Disappointing my LiamLicks loyalists who have stuck by me for my 10 years of blogging.

We hired a pro who is 

Kevin Kim www.celesIt.com

Highly recommend. Kevin is regular and normal and a genius. And he laughed at my jokes.

A meltdown prevented. 

I thought it out.

Refused to go nuts. And met a computer wizard who fixed our issues, enlarged my understanding of PC problems, explained new advances in the Internet world, shared his well considered opinions.

Read my blog and liked Liam!

Thank You, Kevin

Some of you may have thought. This woman has other issues. 

I do

I am ALWAYS right

except when I am not

I am ALWAYS in control

except when I have a meltdown

I am ALWAYS perfect

usually

I have problems after destination weddings. 

Possible

THINK, DON'T MELT DOWN

 Woof, Woof