Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
think only Willie Nelson's version
http://www.links2love.com/love_lyrics_30.htm
My mother Ruth died March 24. I have done all the things one is supposed to do to move through the stages of grief. I know them well, having counseled others for many years in a self appointed grief counselor role and also having experienced the stages myself. I also know that each person's experience is different from another's.
I was spared those bad statements that some folks get, you know the ones "I know just how you feel" no you don't
She was 87. yeah, so what, I knew her for a long time, more to remember.
Good she did not suffer too long. How do you know what her suffering was like?
My Ruth condolences were real, sincere and appropriate, helpful and comforting; full of Ruth/Ruthless anecdotes and reminiscences, as well as personal stories of loss, poems, songs came-thanks for the one above from a dear friend, Ken. And from the mini rose plants sprouted the idea for Ruth's Rose garden, where the plants are actually thriving.
I have talked to everyone and anyone, wrote, blogged, talked aloud to Ruth, talked to her in her apartment via Google earth (thanks to a friend; Ruth was in it at the time the photo was taken in 2009) I have thanked all who sent their sympathies. I mention her at any doctor's appts. nail appts. yoga classes. Yes, I am doing what this sensitive, kind, intelligent comprehensive book advises- Solace, by Roberta Temes
And I have had signs of Ruth, certain unexplained connections and resolutions to problems that have occurred within minutes of my invoking her name in conversation. All good, progress, moving forward.
I wanted to be more proactive. No waiting for signs. I wanted to make contact. How does one do that? There are psychics, mediums that do this. Yes, it is a business, yes, they charge. I have seen John Edward on TV and in person. I could see his technique and how he "knows." I was a skeptic, yet he did get "hits" that seemed inexplicable, so there is a glimmer of hope that some might really be it.
I wanted to try. I tried twice last weekend. First psychic on Friday, June 4-nothing for me. Perhaps too many live bodies as well as departed spirits around. Ruth never liked a party. I was the only one unconnected; the pigs in a blanket were Food Network caliber so I ate those while others shared their communions with the spirits.
Sunday, June 6, I went to Anita. Not sure if she classifies herself as psychic or a medium or both.
I knew immediately there was a difference from my Friday experience as her first question was "Why don't you sleep?" And the assured declaration. "You dream." My lack of sleep and vivid terrifying dreams have plagued me for many years. Then a series of observations, perceptions and questions coming from her readings of the cards, many correct and if not promising-good things. The letters, P, J, L, C, strongly coming in-thought of folks who had names beginning with those letters and even more after the reading.
She asked if I was a Virgo-not surprising. I am well versed in Virgo traits and surrounded by Virgo family and friends. I denied being a Virgo as calmly as a Leo could, even after Anita suggested I might be on the cusp. No, smack in the middle of the Leo month. Think some of my Virgo people were trying to horn in on my reading by putting their energy out there.
Anita saw in the cards that I am a writer. I will write 2 books. Only 2? Many more names, predictions, interpretations came out during the reading. She got that I had two dogs and had owned others, no, but Liam (an L) is 4 dogs in one. We looked at photos of him,
I had many; 
I actually carry an album. She told me he was a loving special dog. 
My mother always ended her letters with "Give my regards to Liam." During our discussion of Liam 
I felt we were coming near to my reason for this reading-Ruth.Of course, I really wanted my mother, a lover of Liam, to show up. I told Anita that Ruth is always on my mind. I have been thinking over the past months about the questions I wished she could have answered when I visited in March. I asked if Ruth knew I was in Tampa with her when she died. "Yes, she knew." Then a visceral reaction, emotional and sort of jolting to both of us. "She is standing behind you. Your mother is small but a force. You are not to feel guilty."
Did I want to turn around and reach for my mother? No, it never occurred to me. I got my answers and I believe she showed up. My mother always liked a small group.
I did it. I went to a psychic, a medium if you will, I sat for a reading with cards. I never thought I would.
I always think there is a gimmick, a trick. Not this time. Not with this Psychic, Not at my reading.
There is a book I read at times, only at times, because its questions, concepts, parables stretch the limits of my understanding. After my meeting with Anita, my dear Virgo friend, Lynne, mentioned it again and I picked it up, turning to the chapter about his mother's death.
The author Thich Nhat Hanh is speaking of how he felt after his mother died:
"I suffered for more than one year after the passing of my mother. But one night........I dreamed of my mother............ All I had to do was look at the palm of my hand, feel the breeze on my face or the earth under my feet to remember that my mother is always with me, available at any time." .........If you stop and look deeply, you will be able to recognize your beloved one manifesting again and again in many forms. You will again embrace the joy of life." photo next our backyard near dusk
from no death, no fear-Woof, Woof
from a very special loving dog
